Bubblegum shit

My family owns a beach house, and there is an outside shower stall that we use to wash off sand and other nasty beach residue before we go into the house. Well, when I was about 6, I was using the shower and I had to take a poo - I was too lazy to go inside to use the bathroom, so I just went in there. The thing was, my crap had a bright pink stripe in it... some bubble gum had actually passed through my intestines and exited my body intact! The next day, my grandmother mentioned the crap in the shower. My little sister said that she saw a dog in our yard (which had a 5 foot high fence with no ground clearance). Damn dog scaled our fence and took a shit in our shower!! A pink shit! The fiend... hehe, little kids are idiots. Especially when they are too damn lazy to walk to a toilet.

The Lake

Winter

My shit was black after the Reading Festival

Also, while at V Festival someone threw a cup of human shit, the majority of which landed on the tent behind, but some dollops hit the top of mine. It was pretty disgusting but in a weird way kind of funny. The following day a mate melted a chocolate bar onto the side of my tent to give the impression someone had threw some more shit. I was a bit perplexed by the smoothness of it, but dared not get my nose too close to differentiate between chocolate and shit. Some things are best left unsmelt.

Last one...

Our school used to have a yearly 'school camp' outing, which was as tedious as 5 days in a field can be for 15 year olds. Given the state of the 2 portaloo's (wasps/ants a plenty) I vowed to piss against trees and simply not shit till I got back.

I hadn't counted on the amount of food that we'd be eating (not to mention the full cooked breakfast I'd had the morning we'd got there). And so, rolling around in my tent in complete agony on the last night, I decided to take a shit. Not just any shit, a stealthy ninja shit.

I scrabbled in the dark with a roll of Andrex in hand (I'm not an animal) and walked until I felt I was far enough away from the camp, squatted and dropped away. I finished up and went back to sleep contented and relaxed.

It was the next morning when I saw my French teacher clutching reams of shitty toilet paper that I realised my mistake, I hadn't accounted for the wind that night... It had blown my used toilet tissue all across one side of the camp site and now, visibly retching, a grown man was plucking poo-paper from the branches of a tree.

As he walked passed asking no-one in particular "Who would bloody do something so bloody stupid!", I shook my head and tried to look angry, puzzled and innocent. Of course I should have said "Me! It was me!"

My children

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